It’s hell on wheels… eight of them in all, as a matter of fact. In the spirit of the season, we brought together two like-minded killing machines for a comparison: Christine and The Car, from the classic horror movies of the same names from 1983 and 1977, respectively. Here’s a look at each, complete with spoilers.
Christine is, by most appearances, just another chrome barge from the tail fin heyday of Detroit. Only serious Mopar fans will notice the special-order, red and white paint. Plymouth didn’t offer this on the 1958 Fury -- only Buckskin Beige with gold accents. Then again, they didn’t offer one with a backwards-running odometer, self-driving abilities, self-healing powers or a deadly sense of jealousy, either. Twenty years later, Arnie, a teenage underdog, spots the disheveled car for sale and new chapters begin for them both. Soon, anyone who wrongs either or comes between them is usually dealt a single, final and lethal warning by Christine.
Details are a little more vague about The Car. We don’t know the character’s backstory so we can’t explain where this driverless menace came from, why it picks on the Utah town in the story or why it’s royally pissed and kills indiscriminately. We do know the real origins, so we’ll settle for that. Underneath, it’s a 1971 Lincoln with a custom body. So, custom movie-car with a custom body? Make that a “kustom” body (yep, it was the work of the “King of Kustomizers” George Barris).
Let’s gingerly take a look at each and rate them from a safe distance based on several criteria for a potential 100-point score.
Christine
MSRP: $3,067 (1958)Engine: 350-ci V-8
MPG (city/highway): 8/10 (est)
Performance - 13/20
You may say she’s unstoppable, and you’d be right in more than one way. When new, her performance wasn’t half bad. That was then. Since she’s now nearly 50, compared to modern cars
Exterior Design - 19/20
Back in the day, cars’ designs noticeably changed year to year. Special paint job aside, Christine doesn’t look much different than a ’57 Fury, but she’s just different enough in all the right places -- four headlights instead of two, a slightly different side spear accent that flows better with the cars lines. And best of all; she’s beautiful but with a don’t-screw-with-me look on her face.
Interior Design - 7/10
The red and white theme is continued inside with abundant splashes of chrome. Cars of the era had nearly as much chrome inside as out; plastic was kept to a bare minimum. You’ll notice the missing gearshift, too. Christine’s directional progress -- when not operating on her own -- is humanly controlled by the pushbutton automatic transmission on the dash.
Sound System/Goodies - 5/10
FM radios were rare half a century ago, and the band was barely populated. So it’s no surprise Christine lacks this and has just an AM. She makes up for it with an uncontrollable, endless soundtrack of oldies from when she was new, often reflecting her mood and sending a message to those around her.
she’s unstoppable, unmanageable and unremarkable in her acceleration. But if you let on about this she’ll get upset and won’t start (if you’re lucky, that’s the worst that’ll happen).
Bang for the Buck - 18/20 If you don’t mind the complications of jealousy she’ll harbor with any woman you date, you’ll have a friend for life (though it may by cut short). Still, Arnie bought her for $250 in 1978 and she quickly began to help with her own restoration into a showpiece. There’s hardly a better deal on the road.
Driving Experience - 20/20
Driving any car from the 1950s is a blast, but connecting this deeply on an emotional level is another matter. Freaky, sure. But respect what she’s capable of and there won’t be any problems. Plus once you trust each other, having her take over the driving can have its own rewards.
Overall Score - 82/100
If you mind your manners and don’t cross her, Christine can be a great friend. She’ll listen to you, make you feel great and defend you to the end. And in a more practical way, you won’t have to bother carrying comprehensive or collision insurance on her since she mends all her blemishes. Even after being crushed into a cube, her spirit wouldn’t die.
The Car
MSRP: $8,813 (1971)Engine: 460-ci, V8
MPG (city/highway): 10/12 (est)
Performance - 17/20
Big cars aren’t usually great performers, but with a squirt of rage and adrenaline (or whatever was causing the chemical imbalance), it can outrun just about anything it’s chasing and do even more amazing things. For example, you don’t see many cars with the ability to leap into a house. As a female character learned the hard way, The Car can.
Exterior Design - 18/20
Thirty years ago, who knew high belt lines and low rooflines would be featured in some production cars? Despite its Lincoln origins, Barris’ custom coincidentally resembles today’s Chrysler 300 a little. And despite the lethality, it’s a good-looking car. Too bad most folks never get a better look than when they’re being run down by it.
Interior Design - 5/10
It’s tough to really describe a place you’re not allowed or only have a moment to relay what you see. Suffice it to say, inside The Car, it’s dark and dreary. Unlike Christine, The Car doesn’t give a damn whether you’re thinking happy thoughts about it or not. It simply wants you extinguished. It’s not the kind of cocoon you want to step inside, if you catch our drift.
Sound System/Goodies - 1/10
Amidst all the killing, there’s really no way to hear the sound system over the big V8, the squealing tires, the screaming victims and the deafening horn blast that always announces impending death.
Bang for the Buck - 5/20
If you could trust The Car at all, it might be a better deal. Whereas you can ally with Christine, The Car is a single-player, single-purpose weapon of human destruction.
Driving Experience - 8/20
First, you’d have to wrangle it. Second, it would still refuse to drive into a cemetery or on any other hallowed ground. That could really make commuting difficult.
Overall Score - 54/100
The word “un-blow-upable” is thrown around a lot these days, but it doesn’t apply to The Car. We’ve seen The Car take plenty of harsh abuse and come back for more, but total explosions have a way of sidelining it. Can it/did it/will it come back? Well, obviously. But being converted into confetti can’t be good for its mood.
and the winner is…
Controlling the kill power of either car is not easy, but at least Christine can be reasoned with and can even function as well as any other non-possessed vehicle. With her, it’s more about you and her against the world. With The Car, it’s simply against everybody, presumably including its keeper. If you’re going through a divorce, take out a huge life insurance policy on your ex and make sure she gets The Car. Otherwise, the fury of Christine is all you’ll ever need.Resources:
http://pro.imdb.com/title/tt0085333/funfacts
http://www.barris.com/gallery_cars/TV_MovieCars/gallery_thecar.html
http://www.nadaguides.com/default.aspx?LI=1-22-1-5013-0-00&l=1&w=22&p=1&f=5014&y=1958&m=1142&d=4939&c=14&o=35507%7E35510&vi=82491&z=53703&da=-1 - The Car
http://www.nadaguides.com/default.aspx?LI=1-22-1-5013-0-0-0&l=1&w=22&p=1&f=5014&y=1971&m=1202&d=688&c=14&vi=75596&z=53703&da=-1 - Christine
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